Jesus’ teachings on “Let Them”: ‘The Let Them Theory has been made popular by self-help circles. There have been poems, YouTube videos, and most recently, Mel Robbins, who is a big-name podcaster a very popular in the self-help world, has sold a book in the first month alone. 2 million copies. I know a lot of Christians are reading it, non-Christians, and it’s giving people a lot of inner freedom. But I was thinking about this: didn’t Jesus come up with The Let Them Theory? I was spending some time in the Gospels looking at stories of how he interacted with others, and Jesus really did embody The Let Them Theory, but in a different way than what Mel Robbins highlights in her book. In this video, I’m going to talk about the difference between Mel Robbins’ book, The Let Them Theory, and where it goes sideways versus what God’s real invitation is for us as Christians to let people be who they are and stay connected to God’s vision for our life of flourishing and his kingdom.
Still on Jesus’ teachings on “Let Them”
I want to read a couple of things. I want to read a couple of sections from Cassie Phillips’ poem. Let them. Just let them. I think the reason why this poem and then Mel Robbins’ Book resonate with so many people who have struggled with maybe feeling abandoned or feeling like they have these desires in relationships and people are not connecting with them in love or they’re not seeing them, because I think our deepest need is to be seen and heard. When we’re not experiencing that, we can feel a whole host of negative, uncomfortable emotions. People want the permission and need the permission to be seen and heard. And when we’re not experiencing that, we don’t see the power in that, and so I feel like it’s important to say these words to stop chasing other people, to stop controlling other people, and to take their power back and to feel like you’re flourishing in your life. But how does God invite us to let go or let people live how they are and connect to him to get our deepest needs met? Romans 8 says that he will never leave us or forsake us. I’m going to talk about what Jesus did first because Jesus never chased after people.
Still on Jesus’ teachings on “Let Them”
He invited them. He knew their heart. He asked a lot of questions. But he never ran out of and after people and force them to listen to his agenda. He just was, and he only did what he saw the FatherFather doing. So that was connected to his mission, as he was doing what God was telling him what God was doing in his life. He was connected to God in a deep, intimate way through the spirit versus looking to people to manage his self-worth to validate or meet his deepest needs. And when we do that, we can get into a self-sabotaging cycle with people who don’t maybe care about us or who don’t treat us with respect. And that can lead us to feel very stuck, angry, and hurt. And we want permission to let them go and connect to our real source of love and power, which is the spirit of God. The first story I want to talk about is from Mark 10, 17 through 22. And this is the rich young ruler. We all have probably heard this story before, but what does the rich young ruler do? He comes up to Jesus and says, how can I inherit eternal life? And then Jesus gives him the list of, well, he can keep all these commandments. And the rich young ruler says, but I did all of that. And so Jesus says, because he knew his heart and he knew that his possessions owned him, he said, well, sell everything you have and follow me. Essentially, I’m paraphrasing. And the rich young ruler went away very sad because he had a lot of wealth.
Still on Jesus’ teachings on “Let Them”
And it’s not about having wealth or not, but it’s the fact his possessions owned him. And what did Jesus do? Did you, Jesus ran after him and said, no, no, no, no, you don’t understand. I have so much more to offer you. You need to go to therapy and deal with your obsession with security. He didn’t say that. Now, obviously, the scriptures do not write everything. I like to hope that he came around some other time in the gospels, but we don’t know. Jesus answered a question, revealing what was in his heart, and he left, and Jesus didn’t follow him. He allows people to be where they are, to be where they are. And he doesn’t chase after them. The second place is Matthew 14, 28 through 31. When Peter walks on the water, Peter, in all of his courage, sees Jesus walking on the water and asks Jesus to let him meet him. He does walk on water with Jesus, but then doubts come in. He sees the waves, and he goes to fall. Did Jesus tell him, no, Peter, you’re going to come out and you’re going to be afraid. And he gives him the five-point steps to actually continue in faith. He doesn’t; he allows people to be where they are. And he doesn’t chase after them.
Still on Jesus’ teachings on “Let Them”
He doesn’t chase after them. He allows Peter to be where he is spiritually and developmentally, and he allows his emotions to be present. And then Peter sank. What was important about that is Jesus allowed Peter to have his experience. Wisdom grows in our souls and our lives when we experience, when we experience failures, setbacks, hurts, and heartaches. And that’s not because it’s so good that we experience those, but those can be our greatest teachers. And Jesus knows that. And he doesn’t rescue us from our experiences. He doesn’t rescue us from our experiences. He doesn’t rescue us from our experiences. He allows us to fail. He allows us to drop the ball so that we can get feedback to know where our soul is. And he deeply loves us. We see Jesus extending his hand to Peter to say, ‘I’ve got you.’ And to allow him to continue to grow in faith. God knows where we are in our process, and he doesn’t rush us or shovel for us. My favorite quote from St. Augustine, one of my favorite quotes is without God, we cannot, without us, God will not. Because it’s a relational dynamic. If God just forced you to do something relationally, if he just forced you to love him, that wouldn’t be love. It would be circumventing human free will. There’s a lot of theology in there that we don’t have time to unpack. He invites, he woos us and he initiates at the same time, wants us to respond to him. And he lets us be where we are.
Still on Jesus’ teachings on “Let Them”
The last one is he allowed Judas to betray him. He allowed Judas, who walked with him for at least three years. I don’t know how long Judas was with him, but he allowed Judas to betray him. Why? Because Jesus was aware that this was part of God’s plan and his mission in the world. And even though Judas disrespected him, treated him horribly, sold him out, betrayed him and felt utterly abandoned by one of his closest friends, he let him because he only did what he saw the FatherFather was doing. And he knew that Judas was part of that plan or part of that experience. And he let him do what he saw the FatherFather was doing. Now, I’m not saying people treating you a certain way is part of God’s plan, and we need to be martyrs. No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Still on Jesus’ teachings on “Let Them”
These are just examples of Jesus being connected to the real human process, accepting people where they are and loving them, letting them be where they are. At the same time, being connected to his purpose and vocation and loving people, even if that meant letting them walk away, letting them hurt and betray him because he knew what he was doing. His power ultimately was from God and he didn’t need human validation. The difference between Mel Robbins’ vision of Let Them and popular self-help circles, it is all about preserving your peace and not controlling others so that you can have an inner experience of self-preservation. But Jesus’ vision of a ‘let them’ theory is rooted in a deep, intimate trust of God, that he didn’t have his self-worth or his identity attached to anyone else’s vision of him so that he could speak truth. He didn’t have to judge anyone for their sin, even though he technically had the power because he was perfect, but he didn’t. We see the example when the woman caught in adultery with the Pharisees wanting to stone her. He chose not to use his power. He had ultimate meekness, which is power under restraint. And so using the ‘let them’ theory as a Christian is connecting to our deep trust in God to allow people to be where they are and to know that they can be where they want to be.
Still on Jesus’ teachings on “Let Them”
And so, we have things going on in their life that have nothing to do with us. And when we can let them, we can then make decisions on how to invest in the relationship, whether that means we need to ask for something, whether that means we need to set boundaries. Mel Robbins, in her book, talks a lot about if they disrespect you, maybe walk away. At the same time, if they disrespect you, maybe something is going on deeply that we can ask them questions about or love them. Another thing she said in her book is to not enable bad behavior. When a relationship has toxicity, don’t encourage it or don’t just tolerate it, but actually set boundaries. And we see Jesus do this all the time. Jesus would even limit Peter when he says, ‘Get behind me, Satan,’ who’s totally missing Jesus’ vision for the kingdom of God. So we see Jesus not enabling bad behavior, but he loves them right where they are. Letting people be who they are and where they are is loving. At the same time, we don’t enable bad behavior. We don’t just put up with disrespect and become abused. We don’t nurture destructive relationships. We say no because if we do that, we’re actually not loving a person. If someone is being disrespectful continuously, it’s not loving them to allow them to keep doing that. That’s not good for their character. They’re going to hurt themselves and other people. How do we actually embody the left of theory? One is we can detach from other people’s views of ourselves. We can let go of control, trying to control someone else and how they respond to us.
Still on Jesus’ teachings on “Let Them”
They’re going to respond how they’re going to respond and how you respond is what’s in your control. Being a steward of your own body and your reactions, your own triggers and sensitive areas in your soul is where we have the power to control. And so we can practice the let them theory by not putting our power over somebody else and chasing after them, but by caring for our soul. We also can let people be wherever they are when we are really clear about our purpose and vocation. Not everyone’s going with us on the same journey. Not everyone in our church is going to agree with us, even our spouses sometimes. So, how do we let people be where they are? We let people be where they are and continue to stay connected to God’s purpose and vision for your life or what he’s doing in and through the world. Everyone didn’t accept Jesus. If everyone speaks well of you, then you’re probably doing something wrong. You’re probably lying to yourself. If you have an opinion, a belief, or a way of life that someone doesn’t agree with, I mean, unless it’s totally off the rails, you need to have your community walk with you and reflect and give you feedback. If you want to keep growing and live honestly, at the same time, some people don’t agree with you. If you don’t agree with you, you don’t like what you’re doing, and you can let them have that opinion, and you can reflect and go to God and go to the community that you trust and say, am I living with integrity here? And when we’re living with integrity and people then reject us, we can let people have their opinions and experiences. And the next one is letting people choose their path. I have countless times opened up to someone at church or in small groups about what I’m doing to have someone give me advice or say, ‘You should do this’ without even asking me what I have done, what my story is, or even if I need advice. Maybe I want to be free. I don’t want to be free.I don’t want to be free.
Still on Jesus’ teachings on “Let Them”
I don’t want to be heard and seen. So, to practice using their theory in a healthy way is to listen and ask questions and not give advice. Or when you have advice and you think it might be appropriate to say, ‘Hey, I have a thought about that.’ Are you open to hearing it? Because any unsolicited advice can be perceived as criticism. When someone’s criticized, shame or defense comes up, and then you’re not accessing someone’s heart. Don’t advise unless someone asks it of you, or be sensitive to it if it brings up shame. And then the fourth thing is allowing God to do what God needs to do in someone’s life. You are not their savior. You are not a martyr.You do not need to develop somebody’s character. Really assess your role. What is God calling me to do or how to be in this relationship? And that’ll give you a lot of freedom and discernment to know, am I trying to control this, or am I letting them be who they are and allowing God to do the things in his way? In their life, that he needs to do. So I’m curious: have you read the book? What are your thoughts on this? What other examples have you seen Jesus use the let their theory? And also if you made it to the end of this video, great. I do have a free masterclass down below to teach you what it means to really flourish in God in all areas of your life. So, if you’re interested, don’t forget to grab that free masterclass, and I will see you in the next video.
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