Why Jewish Marriages Are Successful: It really depends on where you’re coming from in life and what age and stage you’re at. You know, if you’re younger, it’s easier to, you know, you’re already in a world where your life is so social. You’ve created like that high school, college, you’re moving out, you know, your job area. But then the people in your life start to fizzle out, and you have to create your social scene. So the people that you would like to marry are now less available because your social scene has gotten smaller. So, one way to really do this is to, you know, a soft launch. Call your friends and family. Put out a little WhatsApp. You know, Cousin Hindle, she’s actually ready to date for marriage. She’s not looking for you to find her a boyfriend.
She’s looking for marriage. Do you have any friends or relatives that might be a good match for her? Because, again, you’re not looking for a boyfriend or a girlfriend when you’re looking to get married. You are looking for a husband. Like, I actually would love to make T-shirts that say ‘wife material’ and ‘husband material.’ And when you date, wear that T-shirt because that should be front and center when you’re sitting across from someone. Otherwise, why are you dating? Go to a bar, have fun, and pick up the girl that’s pretty and cute and fun. And then, OKokay, see if she can be your girlfriend. But when you’re looking for a meaningful marriage that includes a beautiful life ahead of you, you’re looking for your wife. You’re looking for your husband.
Why Jewish Marriages Are Successful:
Make it count. Make it purposeful. Otherwise, what are you doing? Go and hang out. The Shook is so much fun. There are millions of people. And they’re all nice. People are nice. People are great. Most people are awesome. So what is that person for me? So when you do that soft launch, you want to write, this is what I’m doing. This is what I’m interested in. You’re not going to write your 10 non-negotiables. I hate the term non-negotiables. You don’t have 10 non-negotiables. You could choose one. And I’m being generous. Okay, if the person lives across the world and you have elderly parents and you want to live there, you don’t want to move to Brazil. You don’t want to move to Australia. Sorry, Australians. But really, you know. Non-negotiables shouldn’t be on your paper.
I have 10 top priorities. You don’t get to have 10 top priorities. You’re looking for someone wonderful that completes you. So when you do this soft launch, don’t go and give the list of the things you don’t want; the things you do want. I know people that called me. Well, does she have her doctorate? No, she doesn’t. But she has her whole life ahead of her. And after she’s having, I don’t know, 5 or 10 kids, if that’s what she wants first, she’ll go and get it. But really, are we marrying her for her brains? Find a. Find a. Find a. Someone to learn with. So, narrow it down to what is important; what am I looking for?
Why Jewish Marriages Are Successful: Generosity, respect, kindness, someone who’s going to be motivated to make our family a beautiful home, someone to be responsible, someone I can lean on. Like, bring it down to the basics. Don’t be embarrassed. Wear that T-shirt. Wife material. I just spoke to a guy last night. I just coached him. He told me he’s getting engaged to another Australian. And when he was at my table not so long ago, a couple of years back, I said to him, I know amazing Australians. I know Australian girls. And he’s like, oh, no, I’m never going to marry an Australian. I’m like, you come from there. You love your hometown. Why wouldn’t you? Nah, it’s too much. It’s different. I know those people. You don’t know everybody there. So you make this non-negotiable, and you cut out half the hemisphere.
Why Jewish Marriages Are Successful: And why? Because of an idea, a belief that you had that you can’t break? Most of our beliefs are like taking a step back. Let me analyze that belief. Let me break it down. Is it truly a belief? Do I need to stick with that? That’s silly. That’s my ego talking before my brain. I can remove that. So, how many non-negotiables can we break down? So yes, priorities are important. But what if someone, what? How many people do we know are making millions today, and they never went to school? Oh, did you need him to have a doctorate? Aren’t you happy now that he just made it big on Amazon? So imagine if you limited him because he didn’t go to school the way you thought he should. After all, your families are intellectual.
What you have to do, really, is go back to, do I really want to get married? And when you’re honest with yourself, and you’re altruistic, it’s, what do I want to get married for? Is it to fulfil my ego? Is it to have arm candy? Is it to fulfil this idea that I want to create a family? Well, what about me and him? What are we doing together? Why do I want him in my life? And so I really have to go back to the basics. What do I want of the person? Because what do I want from us? Because it’s not just a singular choice. I know it’s a selfish time when we’re dating, and it really is about me. But it’s actually about me.
It’s about you making a space for me. Am I good for you? Let’s not forget to ask that counterintuitive question because you and I need to work as a team so that we can be the ultimate beautiful couple that Hashem wanted us to be. If we lose sight of Hashem in it, you know, wait, how about the t-shirt? Wife material sponsored by God. Like, keep Hashem in the equation because otherwise, really, what are we doing here? How many people are not mentally balanced? Because I don’t find happiness. When do you find happiness? When you realize that there’s meaning in life. So, that meaning is when you and I find each other, and we create a dynamic, which is constantly changing because that’s dynamics.
Why Jewish Marriages Are Successful: When we create a dynamic that is beautiful, respectful and has the same values going in the same way, yes, we have to really enjoy each other, be compatible, and make each other laugh. But he doesn’t have to be the comedian. He doesn’t have to be the funniest guy. He, you have to be comfortable with yourself around him. How beautiful is that? How comfortable is that? And how exciting is that? Recently, it came to my attention that some people don’t think they deserve to be happy. And that might be a revolution. It’s a subcategory in that revolution of dating. But everyone deserves to be happy. And I don’t know what happened in your life. And I’m not a therapist when I coach. And I don’t want to hear all your backstabbing.
But I do ask personal questions like, what’s your relationship with your family? Is there someone you’re not talking to? Do you have close friendships? You know, did you have money growing up? Because why is all this about money now? And so you have to figure it out. It’s not; you don’t need to dump the guy because, you know, he wants to have his account, and he wants to move you to Timbuktu. So, you could have, you know, your five-bedroom house with the lawn but no friends because you’re in Timbuktu. So, you have to figure out where this is coming from. It doesn’t mean he’s off the table. So revolutionary, to me, would be like, you really have to do a deep dive into what’s holding people back and understand that, like, they deserve to be happy.
Why Jewish Marriages Are Successful: They, it’s beyond deserved. They need to be happy. And if you don’t think you need to be happy, you actually can’t be happy in your marriage. No one’s going to do it for you. And so where you often see men just like subservient to these women, waiting for them to like to say, oh, I’m feeling it. Or women to say, oh, when is he going to propose? Well, first of all, why are you giving him everything? Anyway, of yourself, you’ve moved in. So now you’re just the girlfriend. Why does he need a wife if he’s got a girlfriend? So he’s missing the point. He doesn’t think you earned something better than that. And you think that, like, okay, this is where I belong until he’s ready for me. So you’ve demoted yourself. And that’s because you don’t think you deserve to be the beautiful person that Hashem made you to be. You are God. Hashem made you a piece of God. So you got to own it. You got to step up into it. And don’t date someone till yourself, confidence is ex
inhibiting that and shining it forward.
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